Abuse Recovery · Heal
Shared Recovery
Whether it felt more “narcissistic,” more “borderline,” or a mix, survivors rebuild the same things: safety, reality, boundaries, a calmer nervous system, and self-trust.
In short
- Recovery has a shape. Judith Herman described it as safety, then remembrance and mourning, then reconnection.
- Your trauma responses made sense. They can settle.
- Trauma-focused therapies have strong evidence behind them.
Terms are tagged Clinical term (diagnostic manuals or peer-reviewed research) or Popular term (social-media and self-help language, often naming a real pattern).
The arc of recovery
Where are you?
Slide through the three stages. People move back and forth, and that’s normal.
Stages from Herman, Trauma and Recovery (1992).
Healing isn’t linear. Coming back to an earlier stage isn’t starting over.
Choosing a contact level
| No contact Popular term | Low contact | Structured | |
|---|---|---|---|
| When | Possible and safe | Shared family or social circle | Co-parenting, legal ties |
| How | Block, mute, no checking | Short, rare, public | Written, logistics only, gray rock Popular term |
| Protects | Your nervous system | Your other relationships | Your children and your sanity |
Boundaries that hold
Write it when calm, deliver it once, and don’t debate it for hours. Tools: Boundary Builder · DEAR MAN.
Trauma responses
Fight, flight, freeze, fawn
All of them made sense in that relationship. Fawning, meaning appeasing to stay safe, is especially common after abuse. These are responses, not character flaws.
Body first
Sleep, food, movement and fewer stimulants while you’re wired. Hypervigilance settles with sustained safety.
Shame
Shame is the abuse’s voice inside you. See Shame.
What the therapy evidence says
Trauma-focused therapy Clinical term
The APA PTSD guideline strongly recommends CPT, prolonged exposure, CBT and cognitive therapy, and conditionally recommends EMDR, brief eclectic psychotherapy and narrative exposure therapy (APA, 2017).
Rebuilding self-trust
Tiny kept promises
Small promises to yourself that you actually keep do more than grand resolutions.
Reality anchors
Notes on what happened, trusted people, therapy.
Grief and a future
Grieving the fantasy is allowed, and so is building a future.
Broader path: The Mending.
Sources
All sources, linked3 references⌄
- Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
- APA (2017). Clinical Practice Guideline for the Treatment of PTSD. www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments
- WHO ICD-11, complex PTSD (6B41). icd.who.int/
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