← The Mending

The Mending · Door 2

Recognize

The forms it takes, what they can look like and sound like, and a private check-in.

01 · Forms

Name it to see it

Most people who are abused live with more than one form at once. Tap a form to see what it can look like, and sound like.

Some of this may be hard to read. Go at your own pace. You can stop anytime.

What it can look like
  • Constant criticism, or affection taken away as punishment
  • Days of silent treatment
  • Threats to leave, take the kids, or expose your secrets
  • Treating you like a servant, a child, or invisible
  • Making you responsible for their moods
What it can sound like“No one else would put up with you.”“Look what you made me do.”“You’re too sensitive. It was a joke.”
What it can look like
  • Name-calling, insults, put-downs
  • Yelling and raging
  • Mocking you, in private or in front of others
  • Cutting remarks about your body, mind or family
What it can sound like“You’re pathetic.”“Shut up. Nobody asked you.”“Are you really that stupid?”
What it can look like
  • Denying things you clearly remember
  • Rewriting what happened
  • Telling others you’re unstable or confused
  • Moving or hiding things, then saying you lost them
  • Turning your concern into proof that you’re the problem
What it can sound like“That never happened.”“You’re remembering it wrong. Again.”“You’re crazy. Everyone thinks so.”
What it can look like
  • Rules about what you wear, eat, or where you go
  • Needing permission for ordinary things
  • Being tracked, checked and timed
  • Punishment for breaking rules you didn’t know existed
  • Slowly losing the habit of making your own choices
What it can sound like“Where are you? Send me a photo.”“You don’t need to see them.”“I’m only like this because I love you.”
What it can look like
  • Controlling all the money, or giving you an “allowance”
  • Keeping you from working, or sabotaging your job
  • Running up debt in your name
  • Hiding accounts or income
  • Making you justify every purchase
What it can sound like“It’s my money.”“You’d never survive on your own.”“Show me the receipt.”
What it can look like
  • Pushing, grabbing, shoving, hitting
  • Blocking a doorway, keeping you from leaving
  • Breaking things, punching walls, driving recklessly to scare you
  • Keeping you from sleep, food, medicine or care
What it can sound like“Don’t make me do something I’ll regret.”“You walked into that.”“I barely touched you.”Please knowIf anyone has ever grabbed or squeezed your neck, even once, please tell an advocate or a doctor. It is a serious warning sign, even when it leaves no marks.
What it can look like
  • Pressure, guilt or sulking until you give in
  • Sexual contact when you can’t say no: asleep, drunk, or afraid
  • Refusing protection, or controlling your birth control
  • Pushing you to do things you don’t want to
  • Humiliating comments about your body or sexuality
What it can sound like“You owe me.”“If you loved me, you would.”“It’s your duty.”Please knowBeing married or together doesn’t mean yes. Going along out of fear isn’t yes. RAINN is there 24/7: 1-800-656-4673.
What it can look like
  • Demanding passwords, going through your phone
  • Tracking your location, hidden apps or devices
  • Showing up where you are, or knowing things they shouldn’t
  • Floods of calls and texts
  • Threatening to share private photos
  • Using smart-home devices or shared accounts to monitor you
What it can sound like“Why didn’t you answer? I saw you were online.”“I know where you were today.”“Share your location or I’ll assume the worst.”Please knowIf your devices might be monitored, look for help on a safer one, like a friend’s phone or a library computer. Suddenly changing settings can tip someone off; an advocate can help you plan.
What it can look like
  • Using teachings or sacred texts to demand obedience
  • Stopping you from practicing, or forcing you to
  • Calling you sinful or unworthy to keep you in line
  • Getting the community to pressure you to stay or keep quiet
  • A leader using their position to exploit
What it can sound like“It’s your duty to obey.”“Leaving would be a sin.”“You’re being punished for your doubts.”
What it can look like
  • Making visits so painful you stop going
  • Picking a fight before every family event
  • Running down your friends until you drop them
  • Moving you far from everyone you know
  • Controlling the car, the phone, or the money for travel
What it can sound like“Your friends are a bad influence.”“It’s them or me.”“We don’t need anyone else.”
What it can look like
  • Threatening to take the kids, or report you as unfit
  • Using the kids to carry messages or spy
  • Undermining you as a parent in front of them
  • Threatening or hurting a pet, or getting rid of it
  • Using custody and visits to stay in control
What it can sound like“You’ll never see them again.”“Tell the kids why you’re breaking up this family.”“Something might happen to the dog.”

02 · Check-in

Does this happen in your relationship?

A private check-in. It isn’t a test and gives no score or diagnosis. It covers partners, family, childhood, and anyone else.

Nothing you tap here is saved or sent. It’s gone when you leave the page.

Who are you thinking about?

03 · The other side

A note for anyone causing harm

If, reading this, some of it sounded like you, there’s a page for that too. It’s brief, and it doesn’t shame.

If you see yourself in the other roleAccountability, and where to get help to change

Education, not a diagnosis.