Baseer Maroof, LCSW · Raleigh, NC · Adults 21+
Shame and tawbah
Guilt can bring you back. Shame tries to keep you away.
Guilt or shame?
Two feelings that get confused.
“I did a bad thing”points toward repair
“I am bad”points toward hiding
Guilt or shame?
Read each inner voice and decide whether it’s about what you did or who you are.
Read more: what research says
Guilt focuses on a behavior, and it tends to lead to apology and repair. Psychologist June Tangney and colleagues have found this pattern across many studies. (Tangney 2007)
Shame focuses on the whole self. It tends to make people hide, deny, withdraw or lash out, and it is linked with more distress. Shame can keep people away from the very prayer, community and help that would heal them. (Tangney 2007)
Tawbah: turning back
Four parts. Not on the list: hating yourself.
- Stop
- Regret
- Resolve
- Repair
Read more
Scholars commonly describe sincere tawbah as: stopping the wrong, genuine regret, resolving not to return, and, if someone else was harmed, making it right with them. Notice what is not on the list: hating yourself.
By Allah, I seek Allah’s forgiveness and repent to Him more than seventy times a day.
Reported by al-Bukhārī. Riyāḍ al-Ṣāliḥīn 13
Turning back is a daily practice, not an emergency reserved for the worst people.
Allāh does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.
al-Baqarah 2:286 (Sahih International)
Change is asked of you in steps you can carry. That’s also how good therapy works.
The door stays open
For the voice that says “too far gone”.
Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allāh. Indeed, Allāh forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”
al-Zumar 39:53 (Sahih International)
Shame insists you are the exception. This verse is addressed to exactly the people who think so.
When faith was used to shame you
A gentle word.
Read more
- Some people were taught religion through fear, humiliation or threats. That is a real wound, and it is not the same as the faith itself.
- You are allowed to heal at your own pace, with or without religious practice.
- If repentance never feels enough, or you confess the same thing over and over, that may be scrupulosity. See waswas and OCD.
- If the harm came from a religious leader, a licensed clinician outside that circle is a good place to start.
A gentle note: education, not rulings or diagnosis
These pages are education, written to be welcoming whether you practice, are questioning, or simply curious. They are not religious rulings (fatwas) and not a diagnosis. For questions of what is permitted or required, ask a qualified scholar. For your health, see a licensed clinician. Often the best care involves both.
Sources
All sources, linked5 references⌄
- Tangney JP, Stuewig J, Mashek DJ. Moral emotions and moral behavior. Annual Review of Psychology 2007;58:345–372. doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.56.091103.070145
- Riyāḍ al-Ṣāliḥīn 13, Chapter on Repentance (reported by al-Bukhārī, from Abu Hurayra). sunnah.com
- Qur’an, al-Baqarah 2:286. English: Sahih International. quran.com/2/286
- Qur’an, al-Zumar 39:53. English: Sahih International. quran.com/39/53
- Abramowitz JS, Jacoby RJ. Scrupulosity: a cognitive–behavioral analysis and implications for treatment. Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders 2014;3:140–149. doi.org/10.1016/j.jocrd.2013.12.007
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